Reasons Why Scotland Is The Worst
Why did I ever step foot in Scotland? It RUINED my life in so many ways, and I'm about to tell you why. First off, let's start with Edinburgh. I can't even handle this city. Like look how terrible it is in the early hours of the morning before the sun comes up. Who would even want to wander around these historical streets and watch the sun rise over the buildings? Absolutely no one, that's who.
And once the sun comes up, don't even get me started on how Edinburgh looks in the daylight. Only some kind of monster could enjoy the colorful buildings and red telephone booths that sprinkle the streets. And the view of the city from the top of the castle hill? It's like the city planners wanted to see the city below and think it's pretty. But guess what? They're not kidding anyone, because I'm not impressed.
Some tour guide convinced me to get on his bus that took me out of Edinburgh (THANK GOD) and go on a tour of the Highlands. The Highlands? Why would anyone want to go there? Am I trying to get eaten by the Loch Ness monster? No thank you. But at least it got me away from the capitol.
We had to make a stop in Stirling and I was like, whyyyyyyy? This medieval town is too vintage for my tastes. Who assumed I'd like seeing a castle and the memorial to that freak, Mel Gibson.
And then we had to make pit stops in the disgustingness that was Glen Coe and all these lame mountains with snow on them that I was supposed to think was cool, so I pretended to enjoy it, but inside my heart was raging with anger at having to see nature.
Every small town we stopped in made me more and more upset that I was stuck in Scotland for the next 48 hours. And all these accents around me? UGH. NO ONE LIKES SCOTTISH ACCENTS.
And to top off all this terribleness, we had to stay the night in this tiny village in the middle of NOWHERE at the base of Loch Ness, so I feared for my life the entire night while I assumed I'd get pulled into the water by the sea monster.
I was supposed to be all charmed by the snowcapped stone formations and houses we saw along the way, but OMG, why was I being subjected to this? Look how ugly it all is. My eyes were burning from these disgusting sights.
The final straw was having to take a cruise on the very lake that houses the monster I'd been fearing the entire 3 days I spent in Scotland. I was forced onto the boat and made to enjoy the sun-kissed water and surrounding mountains covered in green and white.
What really took the cake was my tour guide telling us we would get to see the cutest animal ever, and then taking us to see these hideous beasts they call, "Highland Cows." I could hardly keep my eyes open while looking at these weird creatures. Then, he made us FEED THEM CARROTS. I could've eaten those, but instead you waste them on these cows.
So, I really hope you read that entire post as the satire it was. Scotland is, in fact, one of my favorite places in the world and I love, love, love every moment I've gotten to spend there, especially the adorable highland cattle I got to spend some time with. I really hope that you get to Scotland someday, especially to the Highlands, where I think most of the country's beauty lies. If you need to convince a friend of why they should go to Scotland, please share this post with them so they can get a taste of how incredibly lovely it.